How I was born again
November 15, 2015 • Ayumi Woodman
A series of events lead me into a state of utter fear, when I shook uncontrollably for 16 hours. I felt as though I was standing at the edge of a cliff in darkness, with nowhere to go, and no hope. That night as I trembled in fear, I shouted under my breath, “Jesus, I need you. If you are real, I want proof.”
Some time later in my bed, in my mind, a nephew of mine asked me “Is Jesus real?” To which I answered him spontaneously and without thought: “I don’t know, and I will never know. God is infinite, and all we’re doing is counting.”
This was the turning point.
In a breath, I realized that everything that I am -my thoughts, my experiences, my feelings, my body- was but a speck of dust in a great mystery, a mystery that I would never understand. I felt ashamed and embarrassed for having sought to understand God with my mind. What pride to have thought that I could understand!
At this moment, I was brought back to the edge of the cliff where I stood in fear. I realized that the ground I stood on represented my reasoning mind, and beyond it was nothing, all darkness, the unknown.
“God is infinite, and all we are doing is counting.”
I could have turned back, not face the precipice, walked on familiar ground of my own reasoning. I could have chosen to keep counting, seeking Truth with my mind.
Yet to find out if Jesus was real or not, I had to take a risk, abandon my reasoning, and…
I jumped. The only thing I had with me was hope, and trust. Trust that He would be there.
Scared, I looked around. I was still in darkness, but I stood. I stood on something flat and firm. I stomped my feet. It was like a rock. I was standing on a rock.
Since that moment, I have not been afraid and gradually, the darkness has brightened. I have no proof that Jesus is real. I can only testify that I have faith. I was born again when I jumped. It was my choice, it was my free will, and now that I’m standing on a rock, there is no going back.
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding; in all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6)